Angel in the SUV

I have officially lost my mind. "Mom brain" has now become a normal way of life for me. The smart, responsible, detail-oriented person I used to be has been replaced by this new creature that is forever misplacing her keys, or spilling her coffee, or calling her children by the wrong names. But today, I think I hit an all-time personal low.

I was in my garage getting ready to pick up my third from kindergarten. I rummaged through my purse and realized that my keys were in the house. Cursing my mom brain, I put my purse on the trunk and ran inside to grab my keys (you know what's coming). I dashed back outside and sped off on my way. I drove through my neighborhood and out into one of the main roadways. A few minutes later, I see a SUV honking their horn and driving fast behind me. At the next light, they pull up next to me and frantically wave my purse around! Somewhere along the way, my purse had flown off my car and spilled out onto the road. Of course, my purse is jammed with too many things and never zipped, so all the contents had gone spilling out. This angel in the SUV stopped and picked up all my items on the street and raced after me. Before I could even adequately thank her, she went on her merry way, leaving me feeling both elated and moronic at the same time.

So, to the angel in the SUV, thank you for sparing me the humiliation of losing my purse and all its valuable contents. Thank you also for not saying anything about the insane amount of candy I carry in my purse (my emergency stash for preventing meltdowns in public places) or the equally insane amount of lip gloss (it's a bit of an obsession, I admit). Most of all, thank you for not judging or laughing at me for driving with my purse on the car.

The Little Things

As the school year gets ready to begin, I will have 3 glorious mornings where I am completely kid free. That is worth repeating. Completely kid free. Already, I have been fantasizing about what I will do with myself in those precious few hours. To some, my list will seem so simple and unambitious. But to me, my list makes me giddy with anticipation and excitement, like when I stood in line with tweeners at midnight to get the last book in the twilight series. Shoot. Did I just admit that out loud.

Anyway, these are just some of the things I'm looking forward to this year.

Eating breakfast. I think I can count the number of times on one hand during the year that I actually sat down to eat breakfast. My mornings are usually spent feeding the kids and running out the door to get them to school. I gulp my liter of coffee down and let that tide me over for the day. Ironically, I love breakfast foods, especially eggs. I'm coming for you spinach and mushroom omelet with pepper jack cheese melted on top and fresh fruit on the side!

Shopping. Any and all kinds. Grocery. Clothes. Cleaning supplies. I don't care. I just look forward to having a cart to actually put things in, since usually there is a kid or two in the cart limiting my space. I look forward to taking my time instead of seeing it as a mad sprint to grab what I need before the time bomb that I call Selah erupts. On a side note though, if ever there was a competition that required finding groceries, scanning it at self check out, and bagging it in the quickest amount of time, I would rock that baby.

Bookstores. Oh, how I have missed you bookstore. You were a constant in my life, but the kids took me away from you. Aside from the quick visits to the kids section, I rarely peruse your shelves anymore. There is a couch at borders calling my name, and books that I am meant to find.

Adult conversation. I can finally hang out with girlfriends again without feeling distracted and pulled away. I plan on putting on my heels and enjoying the company of quality women.


Maybe after I tackle these little things, I will move onto more ambitious goals like changing the world. But this will do for now.

My "Happy Place"

So number 4 has been having a rough few days. As stated in my last post, her gremlin side has come out with a vengeance, and coupled with my husband working long hours this week, I have been on edge. Actually, to be more accurate, I've gone over the edge. The only thing worse than my four year old having a tantrum is when this 35 year old does.

Anyway, the only way to come back from the edge is to rely on the things that keep me sane. These are my personal tried and true coping mechanisms.

Running. Just me and my music. Something so therapeutic about sweating out my frustration. The longer I run, the more stress or frustration I have in my life. My neighbors have seen me a lot this week on a seemingly endless loop. There she goes again. There she goes again. There she goes again.

Books. I love getting lost in a story. Coupled with a good cup of coffee, that's an instant happy pill. Liesel Meminger, Lisbeth Salander, Jeannette Walls, Zoey Redbird (sheepishly admitting this one). They have been my happy pills. Extra credit to those who know who these characters are.

Prayer. I simply can't fathom trying to do this parenting thing on my own. I'm drowning. I need Him. As that great theologian Jon Bon Jovi so wonderfully stated, "whoa, we're halfway there. whoa-oh, living on a prayer." Alright, maybe that's not what he meant by the song, but that is the beauty of individual interpretation.

Mom friends. They are the ones who remind you that you aren't going crazy. They are the ones who won't judge you when you don't want to be with your kids anymore. They are the ones that whisk you away on a girl's night out because they know it's a matter of life and death. They are the ones who understand the journey because they walk it too. It's nice to not feel alone.

Thankful for all of the above. Starting to feel sane again. At least till tomorrow.

Glimpses of the future

So today John and the boys had a men's night out. They ate man food, watched karate kid, and now have their own code language about hanging up the jacket or something like that. While they were out, Selah and I did our own ladies' night out.

First, we went shopping. Not just anyone can take Selah shopping. It takes a keen eye for detail and ninja sharp reflexes to survive such an outing. You see, she has a look. She enjoys shopping until the moment she decides she is over it. It could be five minutes, it could be a few hours, but when that look comes, I know to scoop her up and run. Run Forrest, run. That look is like my crystal ball into the future, and that future involves me turning red from embarrassment or anger, neither of which I wear well. It doesn't matter if I have hit the motherload of deals - nothing is worth what she becomes. I liken it to that wonderful cinematic classic, Gremlins. See how cute Gizmo is! Don't you just want to squeeze his furry little face.

 But if you don't pay close attention, they turn into this!

Anyway, it was a good day, because we shopped without that look ever showing up. We ended our date by getting a free ice cream scoop, courtesy of the reading program at our library. As she ate her ice cream, we sat peacefully watching the bustle of our little downtown, and conversing about the things that are on the heart of a four year old little girl. In that moment, I saw another glimpse into the future. A future where maybe, just maybe, we would have more moments of sitting together and sharing the things that are on her heart.  A future where I see not the girl before me, but the woman she will be. And a future where maybe, just maybe, she will talk to me about her own little gizmo, and I will show her this blog.

Things I Can't Say No To

I'm pretty good at saying no. Just ask my kids.
Can I buy this? NO
Can I eat this? NO
Can I stay up? NO
Can I come out of time out? NO
See...no just rolls off my tongue.

But there are some things I can't seem to say no to. Here are my top 5.

JCrew, and in particular, a JCrew sale (which happens to be going on right now...sorry honey if you notice something on the next credit card statement). It's quite embarrassing to walk into the store and realize that I own way too much of their merchandise as evidenced by the fact that I'm wearing it from head to toe. It's even more embarrassing when other customers ask you for help because they mistake you for a worker. It's most embarrassing that I often play along and ask them what they are looking for because I could probably locate it for them.

Coffee. This is my liquid courage to face the day. Do not even attempt to have a conversation with me until I've had it. Just don't do it.

Karaoke or any such variation of it. We bought the rock band game for John and I, not our kids. My all time favorite karaoke song....Alone by Heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cw1ng75KP0&feature=avmsc2
This is classic 80s video making at its best. I'm pretty sure I rocked their hair in junior high.

Potato chips. It's everything I love....salty, crunchy, bite size. Because I know how weak I am with these, I never let myself buy these at the store. Unfortunately, poor John has had to run out to walgreens late at night because I'll turn to him with my puppy dog eyes and sigh deeply, "I wish I had some chips." He's a good man.

Most of all, I can't say no to any requests from my kids to be hugged, kissed, or held. When they ask to sit on my lap, or get another kiss, or be held just a little longer, I rarely resist. I relish these moments when I'm still their favorite person.

So if you see me hugging my kids in my jcrew outfit with a coffee in one hand and chips in the other while rocking out to heart, you'll know why.

Love you Forever....Like you sometimes

I love love love my children. I can't imagine my life without them in it. I would give my life in a heartbeat for them. Well, if you ignore the time that we were at my oldest son's little league game and a baseball came flying over the fence towards the bleachers where we were all sitting. Instinctively, I raised my hands to cover my head while leaving my other three children exposed. But in my defense, they are young. Their teeth would have grown back.

Anyway, when I started this journey of parenthood, I never realized that even though I would always love my kids, I wouldn't necessarily always like them. I feel this battle most strongly with my youngest. On her good days, she is feisty, spirited, opinionated, and full of life. On her bad days, she is bossy, stubborn, unyielding, and full of fight. As much as I would like to say she gets it from my husband, I know it's me packaged in a little four year old's body. It's me unredeemed, unchanneled, untrained. She'll get there, but in the interim, we don't always get along.

I have to remind myself constantly that one day, she and I will get along famously. Most of my friends are feisty, spirited, opinionated, and full of life. Channeled in the right direction, these are the people who get things done, influence people, and change the world. It just kind of stinks to be the mom of one right now.

Yesterday was one of those moments. We left noodle night at our pool and she decided that it was unacceptable that her brothers dared to get in the car before her. She became inconsolable, screaming bloody murder on the car ride home. She pushed and provoked her brothers, trying to get them to lose their cool. She refused to put her pajamas on, which resulted in me running around the house after a naked little girl. She fought an epic battle until she was tucked in bed, at which point she sweetly looked up and said, "I love you forever mommy." I have whiplash keeping up with her moods.

I love love love my children. I may not always like them, or the choices they make, but I am committed to helping them become the best version of themselves. Training begins anew today.

Watch out, one day she's going to change the world.

Uprooting

We did some de-cluttering of our landscaping recently, and part of it entailed uprooting this unhealthy tree. It wasn't even a very big tree, barely taller than me, which if you know me isn't very tall. But it had some deep roots, and removing it was no easy feat. Well, that's what it looked like to me anyway as I was sipping my diet coke in my air conditioned house while watching my husband shave years off of his life removing it. But I digress. My point being that uprooting is often a messy, painful, painstaking process.

Our family uprooted last summer. We had basically been in the same area for 18 years. In that time, we had laid down some deep roots, and built an amazing network of awesome friends. When we moved, that awesome network of friends suddenly became miles away.

I had to re-learn how to make friends right along with my kids. One of the downfalls of having such a great group of friends before was that I never had to "make friends" anymore. I had plenty. There wasn't an aching need to add to my friendship circle, especially as I got older. But with the move, my circle disappeared and I was pushed back out into the unknown.

But I like a challenge. And I know the value of having great friendships, so I'm willing to put in the work and patiently rebuild that network. My friendship circle that had been so tight was forced open, but as a result, I realized my heart and life had room for way more people than I realized. People I'm supposed to meet and walk through life with here. People that are going to laugh with me, teach me things, share my sorrows, maybe even share my idiotic love of reality tv. People that I would have missed out on meeting if I hadn't moved. Maybe in a few years, I'll have built another tight friendship circle. But I hope that I'll have learned to treasure those friendships without being closed to inviting new ones in. 

So to friends old and new and yet to be met, I'm looking for you! (but not in a stalker freak way....really....)